Today I want to talk about God's grace. This is Liam, my son, finally a big brother. And that onesie is going to his baby brother, a child who is not mine.
I have lost six babies. I have bought three other "Big Brother" shirts, in other sizes, and had to throw them out. I have been told "let's wait and see", "we can pray", or worst of all, "there's no heartbeat" too many times. I have wept. I have grieved the loss of tiny hands I'll never hold, and smiles I've never seen.
For those of us who have experienced fertility problems or miscarriages, we know that loss is deeply personal. It's so easy for the enemy to tell us, "we aren't good enough", "we don't deserve it", "we can't do it". It was those struggles, and that darkness, which ruined my marriage of eleven years. When I started coming to Foursquare three years ago, I came at the end of my marriage. My husband had fallen in love with someone else and wanted a divorce.
Coming to Foursquare was transformative for my faith. I always tell people, our faith in this building, is alive. You can feel it! God is truly here.
For me, healing my heart after my divorce and my losses wasn't easy. There have been days when I've been sadder than happy. There have been times when I have been so angry at God -- just a few weeks ago I prayed after services with Carolyn Jenkins. I'd been coming to Foursquare for three years, and that was the first time I had done that. It was so impactful over me, to pray and open my heart up, and feel her love. Thank you, Carolyn!
But it comes back to that, ultimately. Love. God is love. Paul tells is in Galatians 5 that the fruit of the spirit is love. I pray every morning to God, saying "turn my heart to see the good". And God has always lifted up my eyes and my heart to see the blessings that surround me.
Mark's series on god pruning us is what started to turn my heart around to a place of real healing. When I reflect honestly on the end of my marriage I know that that struggle is what brought my broken heart to Foursquare. And if I hadn't come to Foursquare, I wouldn't have turned my life over to Jesus.
But guys, today, this is victory. This baby is a miracle and a dream come true -- even for me. My son finally (finally!) gets to have a living sibling and be a big brother. I could be hardened and not celebrate this occasion, but God's grace has given me the gift of gratitude. I know that my experiences have shaped me to be the woman and servant God plans me to be. I know with complete assurance I will hold my babies one day.
For now, we are collectively celebrating the arrival of a baby whose name literally means "light bringer". I see the smile on my son's face and I feel the promise of God's faithfulness. I know with all my heart that God is working it all out for good. Because HE is good, and so very faithful.
So, please join me in congratulating Liam on becoming a brother. He is going to be SUCH a good big brother!
Last year was a difficult year. I started the year in my sixth pregnancy. The doctors thought they had a plan to prevent my recurrent miscarriages. They were wrong. And on January 4th, I found out I had suffered my sixth loss.
My grandmother always told me to take it all to God. And I trusted those words and sure, I took things to God. But in this most recent season of mine, I didn't take my anger to God. I was so focused on just... breathing. Just getting through the days. I shuffled along, looking inward, just barely focused on the steps ahead, with blinders up to everything. I joined a gratitude group but to be honest. I found it hard to think of the things to be grateful. Because looking up enough to see the good, I saw the bad too. And I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to to deal with it. When you deal with things and give them to God, then they are truly gone and in so many ways reconciled. And my anger become precious to me.
So I walked through these doors in the fall, and at times I felt like a fraud. I could go on for days telling each of you how kind and wonderful our God is. I could tell him how He loves you, and you are his, and He will never fail you. But I couldn't believe those words for myself. I prayed, and he didn't listen. I asked, and his choices said no. I tried so hard, reading the book last summer by Peter Scazzaro. I tried to see God's limits in my life as gifts, and that helped but it didn't move me out of that "funk" I was in.
I was bitter. I was angry. And to be honest, looking back, I know that I was really really selfish. Why did my babies have to die? Why did my husband leave me? Why was I walking this season alone, when so many of my friends are getting married and growing families? I was so focused on me and my hurt. I completely forgot that God was with me the whole time.
Mark's series on god pruning us is what started to turn my heart around. When I reflect honestly not he end of my marriage I know that that struggle is what brought my broken heart to Foursquare. I was cleaning out my garage, throwing out the things my husband had left when he moved out, talking to God, when I finally gave my life over to him. Would I have done that, if my husband hadn't left me?
Last year when I stared at the ultrasound, when I grieved the loss of my babies, I trusted God
I could be bitter, but God's mercy has extended me the gift of joy.
I could have lost my faith, but God heals my hurt everyday with his beautiful mercies.
I have lost six babies. I have bought three other "Big Brother" shirts, in other sizes, and had to throw them out. I have been told "let's wait and see", "we can pray", or worst of all, "there's no heartbeat" too many times. I have wept. I have grieved the loss of tiny hands I'll never hold, and smiles I've never seen.
For those of us who have experienced fertility problems or miscarriages, we know that loss is deeply personal. It's so easy for the enemy to tell us, "we aren't good enough", "we don't deserve it", "we can't do it". It was those struggles, and that darkness, which ruined my marriage of eleven years. When I started coming to Foursquare three years ago, I came at the end of my marriage. My husband had fallen in love with someone else and wanted a divorce.
Coming to Foursquare was transformative for my faith. I always tell people, our faith in this building, is alive. You can feel it! God is truly here.
For me, healing my heart after my divorce and my losses wasn't easy. There have been days when I've been sadder than happy. There have been times when I have been so angry at God -- just a few weeks ago I prayed after services with Carolyn Jenkins. I'd been coming to Foursquare for three years, and that was the first time I had done that. It was so impactful over me, to pray and open my heart up, and feel her love. Thank you, Carolyn!
But it comes back to that, ultimately. Love. God is love. Paul tells is in Galatians 5 that the fruit of the spirit is love. I pray every morning to God, saying "turn my heart to see the good". And God has always lifted up my eyes and my heart to see the blessings that surround me.
Mark's series on god pruning us is what started to turn my heart around to a place of real healing. When I reflect honestly on the end of my marriage I know that that struggle is what brought my broken heart to Foursquare. And if I hadn't come to Foursquare, I wouldn't have turned my life over to Jesus.
But guys, today, this is victory. This baby is a miracle and a dream come true -- even for me. My son finally (finally!) gets to have a living sibling and be a big brother. I could be hardened and not celebrate this occasion, but God's grace has given me the gift of gratitude. I know that my experiences have shaped me to be the woman and servant God plans me to be. I know with complete assurance I will hold my babies one day.
For now, we are collectively celebrating the arrival of a baby whose name literally means "light bringer". I see the smile on my son's face and I feel the promise of God's faithfulness. I know with all my heart that God is working it all out for good. Because HE is good, and so very faithful.
So, please join me in congratulating Liam on becoming a brother. He is going to be SUCH a good big brother!
Last year was a difficult year. I started the year in my sixth pregnancy. The doctors thought they had a plan to prevent my recurrent miscarriages. They were wrong. And on January 4th, I found out I had suffered my sixth loss.
My grandmother always told me to take it all to God. And I trusted those words and sure, I took things to God. But in this most recent season of mine, I didn't take my anger to God. I was so focused on just... breathing. Just getting through the days. I shuffled along, looking inward, just barely focused on the steps ahead, with blinders up to everything. I joined a gratitude group but to be honest. I found it hard to think of the things to be grateful. Because looking up enough to see the good, I saw the bad too. And I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to to deal with it. When you deal with things and give them to God, then they are truly gone and in so many ways reconciled. And my anger become precious to me.
So I walked through these doors in the fall, and at times I felt like a fraud. I could go on for days telling each of you how kind and wonderful our God is. I could tell him how He loves you, and you are his, and He will never fail you. But I couldn't believe those words for myself. I prayed, and he didn't listen. I asked, and his choices said no. I tried so hard, reading the book last summer by Peter Scazzaro. I tried to see God's limits in my life as gifts, and that helped but it didn't move me out of that "funk" I was in.
I was bitter. I was angry. And to be honest, looking back, I know that I was really really selfish. Why did my babies have to die? Why did my husband leave me? Why was I walking this season alone, when so many of my friends are getting married and growing families? I was so focused on me and my hurt. I completely forgot that God was with me the whole time.
Mark's series on god pruning us is what started to turn my heart around. When I reflect honestly not he end of my marriage I know that that struggle is what brought my broken heart to Foursquare. I was cleaning out my garage, throwing out the things my husband had left when he moved out, talking to God, when I finally gave my life over to him. Would I have done that, if my husband hadn't left me?
Last year when I stared at the ultrasound, when I grieved the loss of my babies, I trusted God
I could be bitter, but God's mercy has extended me the gift of joy.
I could have lost my faith, but God heals my hurt everyday with his beautiful mercies.
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