2,400 times

The average person pees anywhere between six to eight times a day. A pregnant woman on average pees between 10 and 12 times a day. 

So that means between now and my delivery I'll have about 2400 times that I used the loo. 

Oversharing? Sorry. 

But let's revisit what it is like to miscarry a baby. I've had different miscarriages. The first one was spotting. Unexpected spotting, on a day I felt a twinge and smugly thought to myself maybe it was the very day the heart started beating. 

I've had a quiet loss. No signs, no warnings. But also no heartbeat. A little baby, with motionless arms motionless legs and a tiny form, Frozen on the screen. Any uncomfortable clearing up their throat before the doctor says what I already know. 

I've had a gradual loss. Where the heart beat seemed off, and the sack was too small. Where "only time can tell". And what time told me, was another Baby gone too soon.  

And then there's the traumatic loss. The sudden gush of warmth. My refusal to look down. My three year old son saying, "Mommy you have a boo boo". 

Every loss, every trauma was in the bathroom for me. 3 babies left me in the sadly familiar, soul crushing whoosh of agony and completion. I should not be so familiar with what it is like to labor over a dead first trimester baby. 

I should not be able to predict how and what it will be like. But I can. 

I only have to make 2400 times. We only have to make it through 2400 more times. 

I hate that I have to make myself be brave just to go pee. 

But I know the end result will be absolutely worth it. I will brave 2,400 trips and 2,400 more if it leads me to you, sweet orange seed.